The search for something better

Consider a special kind of hell where the demons inflicting the torture suffer as much as the souls damned to receive them. Where every strip of flayed skin and pinch of salt on exposed flesh can be felt by both but the demon is driven to continue regardless.

This is Waterfall

I've used cricket bats, electric chairs, semi-sentient auto cannons and talk back radio. I've threatened the lives of children and made people sign contracts to hand over their firstborn. My army of the night has grown to the point where it can threaten the world. Some or all of these methods used to be required to get projects over the line and in my darker times I actually enjoyed it but let me tell you, it gets tiring trying to think up new ways to inflict pain no matter what anyone says.

When I was introduced to Agile project methodology it was like a shining light in the darkness. A beacon for all my brothers and sisters, the demons and the sinners both.

"My gods!" I cried. "It's so obvious. Why have I lived this way for so long?!" as I inserted a red hot spike into yet another developer's orifice for the crime of not moving an image three pixels to the left fast enough, Satan himself howling that the yellow wasn't yellow enough and he preferred the design he drew on the napkin three months ago.

It was then that my journey truly began.

Project Management

"Doc, as a Project Manager I am responsible for everything and in control of nothing.

Think about that and let me know if you still think my current blood pressure readings are related to my diet, all things considered..."

As a PM you are held accountable for the success or failure of something that you have no direct control over and can only influence through threats or bribes or a combination of the two.

Imagine being strapped in a seat at the back of a plane's cockpit. You can see the ground coming up alarmingly fast, you're yelling at the pilot, pleading with him to pull up but he ignores you.

You beg, promise your weight in gold, priceless jewels but get no response. You threaten to inflict slow torture and painful death to him and all he loves.

Still nothing.

You offer your soul for eternity if he just lifts the stick and pulls you all out of the imminent catastrophe.

Finally exhausted you slump back hoping against hope that you've got through to him.

The pilot gets up, walks past you and exits the cockpit. He shags one of the stewardesses, flicks you a spiderman before parachuting to safety, hopping in another plane and taking off.

The plane crashes horribly with hundreds killed but you amazingly survive.

While being stretchered to an ambulance there's a crowd of onlookers screaming. They want your head, the crash was all your fault, why didn't you do something!

Welcome to Project Management